Hi Wiz - Here are my thought on your image, sort-kinda in reverse order of importance:
1. There's way too much ambient light rattling around in your photo. It's reducing the contrast ratio on her face and removing much of the desirable facial sculpturing / molding, especially on her left cheek (photo right). You need to either crank up your strobes to overpower ambient, or flag that side of her face.
2. Not only does all the light from the background reduce the visibility of the contours of her face, it immediately pulls the viewer's eyes away from the subject. You have to decide whether you want this to be a high key photo (ie, with the background completely blown out), or a normal photo. I'm pretty sure your answer would be, "normal". In that case, you really need to knock down the bright, high contrast, high saturation, slightly blurry background. It would have been much better to do this in-camera, but I tried to approximate this in post.
3. The subject needs to be at least a half stop (maybe more) brighter. Again, this should have been done in-camera, but I tried to show the importance of having her brighter by doing it in PS.
4. The first model has much better makeup for photography than the 2nd model.
5. Pay more attention to framing, cropping, and the angle of the camera. The bright white pillar on the LHS of the original image overpowers everything. I shouldn't have been in the frame. The tan pillar on the RHS, especially its footer isn't so bad, but it shouldn't have been in, either.
On the same general topic, the back of your camera is not perfectly vertical. This introduced a small amount of keystone / perspective distortion. My philosophy on this is you either want perfect, non-converging vertical lines, or you want to go nuts and have lots of intentional distortion, but you never want just a little bit of convergence because that looks like the type of accident typically made by an amateur, not a pro.
6. The lighting on your subject is cooler than on the subject in your example image. It has that typical blue flash look. I tried to warm it up a bit in post, but the real solution would have been for you to cc your strobe with a light straw or light amber bastard or similar warming gel.
7. Finally, there's something bizarre going on with the colors in your image (see circled areas in the attached annimated GIF). It looks like either old fashioned film curve crossing or some sort of weird digital cyan-magenta posterization. I've got to say that I have *never* seen an image come out of a modern DSLR looking like this. Has this image been processed in some way that could have introduced this effect before you posted it here.
BTW, you'll notice that I didn't comment on your lighting. This was intentional. You are obviously in the same general ball park as the shot you are emulating, but there were so many other diddly little problems that I simply couldn't see your lighting well enough to say anything definitive. If you had controlled the foreground / background ratio better, controlled all the ambient light bouncing around, and achieved a better exposure for the subject, etc., I would have been able to say something definitive about your lighting.
HTH,
Tom M
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